Scared

You know what I'm scared of? Getting my aesthetics license. I'm scared first off that I won't pass the test, and then I'm scared that I won't get a job, and then I'm scared I won't be good at it. Right now I'm trying to force myself to take the test because I really need to. I know I need to use my education that I just spent a bunch of money on. I can see how people can get stuck in average lifestyles when they could be doing something so much better. It's scary to put yourself out there and hope you succeed. I like aesthetics and I do want to work in that field for awhile but I think eventually I want to become a makeup artist. I don't know, for some reason when it comes to me thinking about my future I can't really see myself as much in the way of a career. I can't see myself really successful with loads of money. How do I change that? I know that I need to see myself being successful or I won't try for it.

Fat Girls Guide to Life

OK...if we're getting personal...let's get personal. One of the hardest things that I have had to deal with my whole life is being overweight. Chubby. Big boned. It doesn't matter how you say it...I'm fat. I hate when people are scared to use that word. It's just a word, it shouldn't make us all uncomfortable. Anyway the fact is is that this has been a major issue in my life. I wish I was one of those girls who could embrace their "curves" (which now has come to mean that the person is still skinny but has big boobs or normal hips or whatever), but I've never had that personality. Why is it that black women seem to be OK with being fat and white women can't accept it? That is a big generalization...but for the most part you know what I mean. I know that all fat girls don't have the experiences that I have had, but here is what it is like for ME being a fat girl. I spend as much time, or more, as anyone else getting ready and trying to look good only to have guys not even look at me, much else come and talk to me. I get a lot of clothes on sale because there are usually the big sizes left on the clearance racks...jack pot!!! Sadly it's hard for me to feel sexy or feminine because the world makes us think that you are neither if you are overweight. I feel like I need to have this amazing personality because guys aren't going to be interested in me just by my looks. One thing I do like is that people seem to be more relaxed around me and friendly. I think it's because they don't feel threatened by me. Those are just a few of the things I think about all the time.

So I'm pretty sure I have some kind of psychological thing with food. It makes me feel better. If life is sucky at least you can have some chocolate and you will have momentary pleasure. For a long time I thought that if I could just lose a bunch of weight then my life would start. But I gave up on that and decided to start my life anyway. I don't feel like my weight has held me down in the big picture because I've still accomplished most of what I have wanted to do in my life and for that I'm proud of myself. In certain aspects of my life I feel like being skinny would have allowed me to branch out more and do more things, but what can I do about that now? I'm trying to work on accepting myself as I am, but continually trying to better myself...which is a hard line to walk it seems. This entry kind of seems depressing and I didn't mean it to be. It's weird because I want to make fat more acceptable...I want to get ride of the stereotypes...I want to educate people about what it's like to be overweight, but secretly I would love to be skinny :) Life would just be a little easier...I guess life isn't meant to be easy.

ps. By the way...the book The Fat Girls Guide to life is really good and recommend it to everyone, fat and skinny alike :) It makes us fat girls accept our bodies a little more, and I think it just opens everyone else's eyes.

*long exhale*

I've been trying to decide if I should write this blog or not. But obviously I am so here goes! Alright, let's get down to the nitty gritty. My blogs seem to be a little superficial to me so I want to dive deeper. Do you really want to get to know me? Are you scared? I am! Let's go ahead and start with a few things not many people know about me...mostly because I try to keep them hidden Ü

1. I'm pretty much feel self conscious at all times.


2. I'm thinking A LOT more then I'm saying


3. There is a whole other person that I think I should be and I can't figure out how to become her.


4. I'm still extremely concerned about what others think of me.


5. I have a testimony of the Church, but I feel ignorant when it comes to knowledge about the Church.


6. I constantly wonder if there is something seriously wrong with me when it comes to guys. I feel like I'm glued in place, reaching out for guys as they run by, and I can't seem to grab any of them.


7. I do and say things so that people notice me even though I wish I wasn't that type of person.


8. I want to be remembered for something. I want to be special.

I want to start writing more about what I feel in my everyday life. What it's like to be me, I guess. I hope that sounds even a little bit appealing to my few readers Ü

Forecast...happy!!

I LOVE warm sunny days! I don't like HOT though. I love it when the weather is like 75 or 80 with no humidity. I've come to realize that on sunny days I am so much happier. And most of the best days in my life that I can remember have happened when I was outside on a sunny day. For instance, this day... This is definitely not the greatest picture, but I loved this day. It was one of my last days in Switzerland, the sun was shining, Jill, Broghan and I spent most of the day down by the lake swimming and laying out and then went home and made a great dinner and sat out on the terrace and ate as the sun was going down. Or this day when I went surfing for the first time in Hawaii.... The day was beautiful and the sunset was amazing! We spent the day surfing, swimming and laughing. I'll never forget it. It just seems like all the days that I love and think about often happened when it was sunny and nice. You want me in a good mood? Give me a sunny day!!

Two years ago

I was thinking today about how much my life has changed in 2 years. Two years ago I was still living in Switzerland enjoying beautiful (freezing) Zurich...

playing with two adorable kids...

taking weekend trips to Geneva...

and looking like this...

Now I'm just living in Vegas and working...how fun is that?! :) I'm just kiddin, I have a great life! But it was a little more exciting 2 years ago :)

I need help...

You saw my "resolutions" for the year in my other blog but I need some help on the health goals. I need some ideas for healthy snacks and some healthy meals. I also need to know if anyone knows the best workouts that are good for toning and stuff like that. I just don't know what the best exercises are, you know, the ones that make the most difference. I just want to know what you guys have had the most success with. So fire away!!!